More Personalities to Play By

    by Chris Burrows


    The Strategist

    A variation of the warrior, these players like to outmaneuver and outsmart their opponents. These players cover every angle twice, and then double check their orders again for mistakes. A strategist's armies often appear deep inside enemy territory, and then proceed to plunder and raze every camp and village within reach. A strategist tends to keep their armies well stocked. Woe to the fool who tries to assassinate their army commanders as they always have a host of agents prowling around their legions. A strategist's two worst nightmares are:

    • A dead turn, where nothing happens.

    • A turn where all his assumptions and guesses were correct, but they received a special service turn. A strategist is most likely to succeed in positions of constant military conflict such as Northern Gondor and/or the Witch King.


    The Brain

    An advanced life form, the 'BRAIN' is often a Ph.D. psychologist, mathematician, member of MENSA, owns two banks, and runs a chain of laundry-mats. This is the player who suffers the most migraines over the course of a game. Sadly, for all their intellect this is the guy who comes out of the can with a streamer of toilet paper hanging from his pants. Spider monkeys have greater tactical ability than the brain. The brain has the odds for any situation calculated, graphed, and programmed into their computers, but suffer hemorrhages when the luck (read 'luck') doesn't go their way. These players can't understand that twenty-four other players, plus X number of NPC's are all out to accomplish goals that may interfere with their plans and/or orders. These are among the worst players to be allied with because they spend most of the game moping or out right complaining about the system. 'Hey, join the disco (ugh!) movement and go underground'. If on your side, and they are running a truly vital position all you can hope for is a clean death.


    The Shadow

    This player enjoys being neither seen nor heard, but rather, felt. This is the player the 'is he still in the game' debate rages around. These players enjoy creating back-up capitals that no-one else can see: 'What do you mean there is a city in hex 0224' . Yes, that is right, under the big M. These players cannot be reached by telephone or letters. They rarely respond to notes, and their own notes are encrypted in Khuzdul. Shadows worship secrets and often spend many orders hunting down vital pieces of information. Unlike the info-hog he puts these clues to his immediate use. Shadows are a great boon to an allegiance but their value to the individual players on their team is negligible. Shadows are extremely deadly when in control of the sneakier nations i.e.. Dragon Lord, Sinda, Cloud Lord, etc....


    The Idiot ('Eigit')

    These are the players who fork out twenty-five hard earned dollars to get involved in the ME-PBM experience but don't bother to read the rule book. These are the players who gave their army commanders rfspers every turn even if no other armies are present, or alternatively forget to refuse when that 200+ challenge commander is attacking their capital. These players insist on placing camps in the mountains, and don't understand why their emissaries keep getting eaten by large lizard thingys. Peer pressure or weird lunar cycles is what must cause these players to join a game. Many husband and wife teams are composed of one idiot and no, it is not always the wife. These people aren't necessarily stupid, but are often just detached from the game and thus make easy prey.


    The Mercenary

    Usually a neutral this player does everything for profit. He is not likely to sell his total allegiance, but anything less than this can be bought. These players often hire out their agents and emissaries to cause havoc or uncover information. Mercenary players are also likely to sell population centers in exchange for powerful artifacts or heaps of gold. A Merc's armies are available for quick raids but are rarely available as expendable force. These players are masters of salvage and probably own dozens of old eight-track players. Mercenaries although attracted to neutral positions can also be found playing relatively safe nations such as Southern Gondor, the Blind Sorcerer, and the Cloud Lord. If you are dealing with a mercenary in your game, try to buy some immunity from their actions, even if they are on an opposing allegiance. A true mercenary is always honorable in their negotiations. Beware scoundrels, rogues and the like who use this guise to get something for nothing at your expense.


    The Gobbler

    Unlike the mercenary this player type is unique to neutral positions. The first turn of the game they issue twenty 3x5's, each containing a list of demands. The list often looks something like: a City/Keep, and a 2000 pt sword, and a teleport and/or a hiding artifact, and 20,000 gold, and the execution of all characters listed as victory conditions.

    They always refuse to change allegiance until after you have paid them off, and they will unscrupulously promise oaths of fealty to both sides. The best way to rid yourself of this burden is to contact your respective opposites and wipe the Gobbler out quick. Gobblers are easy prey for the wrath of an Avenger.


    The Quitter

    This is a player type with which nobody is familiar, as they are not in the game long enough to be noticed. This player drops games like little kids drop ice cream cones. This player doesn't just quit, but leaves their entire position in such disarray that the stand-by can't help but follow suit. These players if in truly important positions, i.e. Witch King or Northern Gondor, can destroy the game for everyone. If you suspect you are playing with a quitter, try to keep a few good emissaries nearby to pick up the slack when they do quit. And no, this is not an excuse to go robbing your allies of pop- centers. "Honest Ed, I thought you quit."

    The Tolkienite

    Shaved heads, white robes, and leather bound copies of the Hobbit are all clues that you may be dealing with a Tolkienite. Often confused with the Shriners and visiting Tibetan monks. Unlike the purist, who is a disbeliever in comparison, the Tolkienites play ME-PBM as a form of worship to the late J.R.R. Tolkien. These players must roll for frenzy whenever engaged in the "Tolkien loved the Elves best" argument. Their favorite elf is Feanor and they will out right refuse to play anything but the Noldo. If pressed, they will accept the weaker Sinda as penance. Anyone who enjoys playing the "lesser" positions of Men, Dwarves, or (Ack!), Orcs, and Trolls is looked down upon as pond scum from the primordial ooze. It is fun to play with these players, if only to smear a victory across their dainty Elven faces.

    It is rumored that a small faction believe Tolkien was the actual fantasy and was in fact the mythical creation of Bilbo and Frodo, who created the Old Man while smoking pipe weed. Christopher Tolkien will neither confirm nor deny these allegations. Seems no one wants to discuss it.


    Finally a word to the wise- NEVER, NEVER, EVER, "peg" your opponent. Anticipating an action and banking on it are two different things. If you underestimate your enemies it is you who are the weaker player. Even the most foolish player will someday learn to refuse a personal challenge.


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